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Cerulean <(_((_CRAYON_((_()
writing on the wall
Writing in the Codex 
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2011.10.17 2152.00(no subject)
the butler., Geeves
The sharp pain in her temples was enough to wake her from her sleep, not that she’d really been asleep at all. She hadn’t slept properly in a long time.Read more...Collapse )
2011.04.01 1608.00 - Somehow, I have to let go
guys, I'm an amateur writer here.. and Im really hoping for your suggestions and comments :D THANK YOU 

Strangers remain strangers,
unless they fall for each other.
Lovers remain lovers,
unless they decided to fall for another.

Hearts may be in pain,
sometimes be drowned in vain;
It can be hopeless and give up,
but in the end, it must let go...

Lovers fight for happiness,
trying to win the love for an affair
They may win, or sometimes loose
But they still need to somehow let go...

Letting go is always goodbye.
It is ceasing all the love and pain inside.
but letting go is also the begginning
of a new story to a new journey...

And so, I am now here
feeling the pain,swallowing fear.
If this is what it needs for you to be happy,
Then Im letting go, and setting you free.

I'm waving my hand, saying goodbye
wiping these tears, saying I'll be alright.
The fights are over,the waits ended.
Its painful, but somehow, I have to let you go...

 
please criticize :) 
2011.03.29 1335.00 - Sunny Days Have Arrived
I'm truly graceful that those cold, dim days dotted with grey clouds have finally been replaced by the warm spring sunshine.Although the season change is not at all obvious here where I live, I still can't help expecting the approach of spring, so that I may go picnic somewhere.

Last year is kinda miserable, and things just happen in the way I fail to control. Feeling like being dumped in a storm many times in desperately frustration, I struggled to get out, or at times, convinced myself to give up. Doubts haunted me on and on, I was tired of explanation, I wanna escape from all that I know and grown up with, into somewhere totally unseen before so that I could at least turned a new leaf. Or maybe I didn't wanna dump it all, I just wanna keep to myself for a while. I'm not the type of being -unhappy-I'd-shout-it-out-to-everybody person, and most of the time, I would rather keep everything to myself cos I'm scared of sharing, which feels like being invaded by outsiders whom I extremely resist. I just hate telling people what I'm going on, the reason lies in that I assume my life pieces entirely belong to myself and I won't let them out to anyone except family and close friends. BTW,I have very few friends, only 2 or 3. And in my catalogues , people around me can only be classified into strictly two types:Strangers or Friends. Most fall into the first kind, whom I care nothing about, have no interests about and refuse to share with. In my opinion, I think it's silly to mess around with too many people, which would definitely eat up my own time and space. I have my stuffs to write, my music to listen to, my paintings to draw, and many many things to occupy myself , what the heck should I care about those I only get informed of merely their names and faces, those in my class or work in the same students' associations? I have no idea why some people, or most people like to grab a company or what, to hang out with or chat nonsense with. To me, I can barely tolerate meeting those Strangers in person and talk or shake hands with them. Intimacy with others has a price to pay--your time and private space and energy have to be devoted to many of them. Of course, I would devote it all to my family and friends, but not those Strangers. I don't wanna be bothered.

I'm told that I'm too much self-indulged, so what, not everyone needs to be sociable or sweet. As long as avoid being selfish, I'm alright. Don't ask me for explanation, and stop asking me why. I'm tired. Why there are some many people wasting their time being curious about others' lives?? I care nothing about you, so please do the same to me , and leave me alone!!!


I love travelling alone, I love reading alone. I'm not a dustbin for your endless complains and cries. Ain't anybody get hurt? Why should I care? If I get hurt, I'd digest it myself, which a quiet cry would help, and that's the thing, topic closed.
2011.03.25 2359.00 - Something about me Recently
I've been trying to hand my hands on some new pieces recently, but fail instantly cos I just can't figure out any melody or words to fit into. Meanwhile, since the examination is coming, I, once again, have to throw myself in the library from morning to night. The weather is still kinda chilly, but I find it no difficulty to get up early , 7:30 in the morning, and go downstairs to have my breakfast. My list is always steaming bum, steaming sweet potato, milk or cereal. These are healthy food which provide me with satisfaction and energy to start a day. I walk to library most of the time, which takes me about 20 mins. When I get there, I have to spend no less than half an hour searching for books. I can't borrow books now cos my borrowing card has been banned due to my delay in returning books on time, and the librarian seemed a bit annoyed at this.
It's enjoyable to "residue" in library all day long and do some reading, although some of them are rather boring actually. I re-read poems of Ginsberg , which really turns me on, Howl is definitely a masterpiece. Also, I read books like History of Literature of China in 20th Century, Process and Psychological transformation of Civilization, novels on J.D Salinger, Reviews on Greek theater, something like that.
When I get tired , I just pack my stuffs and go back to dorm, where I can play my guitar , write some songs if lucky enough. Okay, here I post my new work, it's a pity that I cant record my singing and load it up here cos I have no instruments in hand .
The song is named "She", a story of "I" meeting a heart-broken girl at bar.

She
She stood by the window
Looking like a skinny model
So fragile like wind in willow
Will she cry at night on her pillow

Her half-dried tears ruining her make-up
Indicating a last-night break up
Maybe she really needed a hug
Instead of a glass of coconut

She came over and said "Hey, you know what,
I met the worst jerk in the world
Why life is so cruel and hurt
I just wanna dump it in the dirt"

(Chorus)

Some sad, some gone
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to be strong
You don't even know what is wrong

Some fade, some born
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to sing a song
You don't even know what is wrong


I met her at a shabby bar
Where you can't use your credit card
She held her glass and crying hard
When the music came to start

She didn't go on her story
Saying that she didn't wanna be sorry
Dancing with me could drive out lonely
She'd fall in love with me maybe

Then we just went to dance
But we didn't make love in the end
Cos she went away with the band
Which was playing on the stage

(Chorus)

Some sad, some gone
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to be strong
You don't even know what is wrong

Some fade, some born
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to sing a song
You don't even know what is wrong

(Repeat)
2011.03.18 1154.00 - Nude Model
You look like a nude model
Skinny and Fragile , bones on your back
Smile weakly and window gaze
Outside the traffic is jammed
Cars hustling by, confused am I

Something in you is about a sad story
You keep on smoking and blowing circle
Party on last night, left-over make-up on your eyes
Devil speaks in the dark
You try to be the one who are trapped

Maybe you and I
We have to be nude models of life
Acting and smiling and pretending
For those who come to watch
Any entertainment is needed
We have to make them laugh

Still remember raining on our street
We had a sweet time and you were innocent
Naive were we, we thought things lasted for good
Just like that
Be like that

( About Meeting a friend)
2011.03.13 1131.00 - Sleeping Pills
ey, I need some sleeping pills
The world is much too loud
Everybody talks and shouts
They said to me
"Keep fighting or you get killed"
"Stop trusting or you get hurt‘

Hey I need some sleeping pills
The doctor with white coat
Can't see his face
Only a flashing glasses without eyeballs
Please, give me some I need rest
He care nothing, going on pumping blood
From the beating heart on desk

Hey I need some sleeping pills
The monster is waiting at my door
Be it a dream or not
Sleeping pills take me away
Like the little wooden boat on lake
Can anybody help?

I need those pills
To take me back home
Been leaving for so long
Too long to remember what I'm like
It's cold here, as well as those people
I want hug, but no
I may as well take some pills

I keep walking , keep my head down
I don't want to see a face
I want to sit somewhere in the public park
But too many lovers there making love
So noisy that I can't concentrate
Too scared to disturb , feeling like a total stranger

Where's the end ?
Where's my life?
If all means an end, why
Ending is so painful?
2011.02.05 1914.00 - Stumbling Stilettos
$320 is what I gave you
That I can guarantee was used for booze
Shaken n' Stired I awoke
Just like the countless martinies
You poured down your throat.
2:56am the sound of your piss,
Through an open door
Minus the trickle of water,
Too break its fall.

It falls to the floor.

Boom, crash and you're down for the count
Eyes shut tight
And mouth opened wide.
Your head ever so slightly,
Cocked to the side,
Wishing,
That'd you'd just throw up and die
But you didn't,
You just cried,
For a good portion,
Of the night
"Oh God, Oh Gooood..., Oh God."

I can tell Mr. Walker has had his way
By shutting your mouth and keeping your voice at bay.

How fucked up can you be mentally
To get behind the wheel of your truck
And drive home blatently drunk?

Obviously the amount of ice outside
Didn't suffice,
To pull you off the road
And tragically,
End your life.
Well maybe next time...
There's always next time...
2011.02.03 1357.00 - On remembering certain song
Sun still shines, the birds still fly,
Flowers bloom in autumn gloom,
We still love and laugh and sing,
Knowing that all will die.

Next day again we wake up in pain
And hope to live a better life.
Stars struggle to shine , they weep , they die,
And we watch the world just blowing by.

In cold evenings when lights are dim,
Owls sing the sun's funeral song,
Darkness and fear come hand in hand
Then go their separate ways.

Old songs float in the cold air ,
Photographs fade in old albums,
We leave behind whatever we can,
But nothing remains.

Ink on the pages of diary becomes faint,
Books once loved are lost,
Artists and all their beloved arts
Are lost amidst popular entertainers.

Songs die, beauty fades,
Leaves turn red and fall,
Happiness ages, Pleasure sighs,
And no one answers the call.

People die, music dies,
Songs of yesterday are made false today,
The wind is still blowing, the magic dies,
"But where's the answer?", we say!
2011.01.23 1751.00 - Once
Senjo
 Once, when the clouds came out in droves and the sun shines at its brightest, a boy sits at an empty desk in a room with a small window. He ignores the girl who smiles. The thing on the wall that goes tick-tock, a simple white clock of no significance is

“Deafening.” The boy says; his gaze still locked on the horizon somewhere away from that small window.

The girl follows his gaze, finds nothing but pretty picture-perfect scenery. She feels like painting. “The birds chirping? Or the wind?”

“The clock.”

Read more...Collapse )
2011.01.16 2010.00 - Leaves

im a new member so i'll follow in suit as well =D hope you all like it...leave your feedback!!!
Wrote this poem in memory of my mother's death. still miss her very much!


"LEAVES"

Does it fade and dissapear

as if your heart will break once again

returning only when you fear

or when your body fills with adrenaline.


Death is in the air

it is a part of life

we wish we didn't share

but everyone goes through strife.


As leaves fall from the branches of the tree we call hope

i cant help but wonder what happens to it all

do we all struggle to cope

or should we just let the leaves fall.

2011.01.01 2332.00(no subject)
This is something I just wroteCollapse )
Lost in the great maze
I long for the light
But the closer I get
The darker it becomes
As the story is told
I embarked on a journey that fateful day
To satisfy the thirst within
To have anything but a normal life
My journey has brought me to many places
But, here now I stare
Into the darkness of the maze
I came here looking for the answer
Only to find questions
Will I find what I seek here?
Or is this another aspiration gone astray?
Read more...Collapse )
2010.12.27 2057.00 - Recovery
Recovery.

Recovery.
 

How do I know where you are?

How will I know when I've found you?

 

Are you a split second, a moment in time, a single decision to be made?

Was that you when I curled up my lip, threw my hands in the air

Threw the hairbrush at the mirror, and screamed,

I AM WORTH MORE THAN MY REFLECTION

 

Are you a muscle of the mind, forever needing to be flexed?

Will I live in fear, haunted. Thinking:

Must keep flexing, feeding, nurturing, for the muscle, for My Recovery,

Lest I lose you for good?

 

Are you a caring friend with an empathetic eye?

Was that you when she said, "I know how much it hurts.

And I am  here for you."

 

How can I find you if I don't know where you are?

How can I know when it is truly you?

 

You slip away so suddenly,

Like a lover who sings me sweet to sleep, then slips out in the dark of the night.

You disappear on nights when I am home alone.

You leave me when I am out with friends.

 

Now you left me here. I cry, I scream,

I grab my wrist to calm myself.

My heart is racing, and you are so far, far away.

 

The tears start coming. I look in the mirror.

Fat. Pig. You ugly monster.

Better go throw up that meal.

My heart beats faster and faster still.

Fuck it, I think. It's not like I was making progress anyway.

And then it starts.

Binge. Purge. Binge. Starve. Binge. Laxatives.

I can feel the pain everywhere:

My head, stomach, gut, heart.

 

I look in the mirror.

A monster staring back at me:

My face is red, nose is running,

my eyes puffed up and tearing.

Ugly bitch, I think. You can't control yourself for one fucking day.

 

Recovery, how do I know where you are?

Are you simply a decision to be made?

Because I've  decided on you before. And I don't see you here.

Are you a muscle to be flexed, or an empathetic friend?

Because I've fucking tried it all.

You're worse than any lover I've had:

Worse than the cheaters, than the drug abusers, than the ones who promised me everything but left after a few nights of sex.

You fill me up with hope for myself, for the future, and then you slip away.

But like a woman in love, I keep running back to you.

I keep searching for you in the hopes that one day you will have me,

And that I will have you.

Recovery, how do I know where you are?


2010.12.22 2154.00 - Homeless and Hopeless
 Tall thick and pretty with a smile a mile long.
Looking for the perfect man who matched her heart song.

High-low, near and far, she searched everywhere,
When nothing was to be found she screamed "this shit isnt even fair!"

She turned to booze to gap the hole, that to her only a man could fill.
From booze to drugs her life started spiraling, and now she's poppin' pills.

Her parents claim their daughters gone, to her they dont exist.
Her friends are gone, all their money she stole, so they can't coexist.

A trick she must turn, to get her next high and that she doesn't mind.
She quotes Falnnery O'Connor, as if with some honor and says " A good man is hard to find".

No soul in this body, a vacated stare, tells me the world was correct.
Yourslef you must love, otherwise you wont be free of, the way others will neglect.

Alone under a bridge, to every sound she starts to cringe, she feels her life wither away.
She wants to say goodbye, too look them in the eye, cuz she knows she will pass today.

Not far did she make it, her heart had began to quit, she looked up at my face.
She asked me to tell her story, about a woman who's name was Lory, and how she fell out from grace.

Her parents cried long and fierce, her friends hearts were pierced, I didnt know what to do anymore.
For I fell in love with her spirit, but my head wouldnt hear it, and now i have a hole through my core.
2010.12.22 0641.00 - Blinded By Perception

Cosmic noise radio.

Background sound.

Ethereal matter unbound.

Atomic halo.

 

Electron's split function.

Fooled by observation.

Twin distinction.

Distant condensation.

 

Cosmic,

Quantum,

Connected,

Or reflected.

Static,

Or magic.

 

Mass with only perception.

Effect only reflection,

A mental glare,

Left unaware.

 

Question's not of apostolic,

Nor of accepted logic,

But what's realistic,

And what's psychedelic.

 

Stabbing shadows,

Grabbing photos.

Pictures of falsettos.

Open windows.

 

Motion a solid distinction.

Light a molded diffraction.

Psychic material.

Touch internal.

 

Weighted light.

Illusion-ed sight.

Metal made of air.

Faces blindly stare.

 

Local,

Distant,

Separate occupation.

Here,

There,

Motioning position.

 

Time and space.

Mass and bend.

Matter without end.

Or just synaptic trace.

 

Hold on tight.

Hold on wrong.

Hold on right.

Hold on sight...

2010.12.14 2352.00(no subject)
This is a response to a really complicated situation that happened with a guy I met earlier this year (the explanation of which is in my journal). It's not very good, but I felt I had to write something. Feedback is always appreciated ^_^

Hiding
yeah, I say I'm fine
and that there are no hard feelings
I say I wish the best for you and her
I even say that I'm happy

but deep inside I'm sad
I'm upset
I'm disappointed
but these I hide well

I wish that we could be together
but, at least for now,
I'm fine with being friends
hoping to end up as maybe something more

I will never, ever
try to come between you and her
I'll let the distance do that
and maybe it won't work out

I'm not wishing any pain on you
I'm just being selfish
I really do want the best for you
I just wish the best for you was me

2010.11.29 0015.00 - Just a Little Drop of Power
profile, swan, pretty, wallpaper
Hey Every One I just Joined,
I thought it would be good if I posted a poem so I decided to post my Best one so far
I did if for an English assessment first semester this year and I got a really good grade for it,
It was in response to a book we where studying "Anna's Story"
the poem is basically talking about what Drugs can do to you....


..::Just a Little Power::..

 

I can make you hear voice in a silent room
I can make your worst nightmare become reality
I can make you hurt for my own amusement
and as you do
I smile smugly.
Am I scaring you yet?
I don’t feel guilt nor sorrow, for your losses.
You’ve heard of me
you’ve seen me, what I can do,
on the TV
in the paper....
in your home
I’m every where.
my brethren can help, they chose to
but I don’t, I enjoy watching your pitiful lives
so easily destroyed by a single drop of power that I give you.
like a puppet on strings....
I can control you.
so tell me now...Do you regret it yet?



2010.11.17 1234.00(no subject)
 Hey Joanne,
I'm truly looking forward to our next encounter. I often joke with you about the time we spend apart and how long it feels like when we are apart. Even though it may be a day, but most of the time it feels like days. I just feel gray when you’re not around. I know I know you’re saying to yourself “gray". That's what comes to mind when I am not with you. Ok let me describe the feeling gray? Some might say it’s a mixture of black and white. If I was to begin to describe it I would have to define black and white first. I could say black is just the absents of light or even white. I guess white would be the opposite of black without any other color pigmentation at all. Now I realize that they are two extremes even opposites but if I was to put those two extremes together at this moment it would sincerely paint a clear picture of how I'm feeling here and now. It’s worst then feeling blue :).


Hey Bobby,
You’re so crazy. No really. Your email confused the hell out of me so I googled "feeling gray”. according to google you need to see a Doctor. I don't mean one of those regular doctors with the stethoscope. I mean like the one my Aunt Sally sees. Quiet is kept; I think you need a check up from the neck up. Google says that people who associate colors with their feelings are often off their rocker. I asked my aunt sally about it and she said at first people like you and her start out feeling blue. They then go to gray and next you all are seeing red. She said she was seeing red when she had that accident that involved running over Uncle Charlie. I'm sorry Bobby I don't think I can see you any more :(.

P.S. My Aunt Sally recommended u see somebody about the color problem you’re having. She said Dr. Rukittenme is pretty cheap and gives the best scripts.
Grass
Hey guys

I've finished my suite of five science fiction stories for my creative honours  at the University of Technology Sydney
-- its the first online creative honours project to be submitted at UTS, and I'd love to invite you to be a part of it. 

The stories explore the experiences of five different kinds of robots in aged care, childcare, information service, the sex industry and traditional robots.All the five stories are blogs (five or six short posts each), accessible from the main page here:

http://cargocollective.com/humanrobotrelations

To get to the stories from the main page, click one of the five robots, then follow the link on the blurb page (Click "See My Story" at the bottom of each blurb).

I only have another two weeks before I submit, so it would be great if you guys could read these and leave some comments in the blogs!
The idea was that the readers would be able to interact directly with the characters.

Thanks guys! Hope to see your comments and contributions!

Chris
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